The Yearning

19 jan

Feeling homesick , but not sure for what while i am reading up on one of my favourite subjects 

Then i remember this , the Yearning ….



25 nov

Meeting Groningen was wonderful , had a great weekend with a few good Jedi and a good friend ❤  ow and the cats dont forget the cats haha

Wandering of for a year

8 sep

Hmm…holocronSome take my sabbatical very personal , already i had to explain to a few people that me taking a break from the online Jedi community does not mean i take a break from their friendship. It kind of brings a problem to the surface that when you are involved in something like the Jedi community , you kind of join the Jehovah’s witnesses , when you decide to take a break or go your own way …they kind of consider you lost , or are not bothered with who you are or what you do anymore. Strange but very revealing,

I wonder who is left after a year of me wandering off and living a offline Jedi Life,…well off line is not completely possible off course , i have some responsibilities but they will remain in the background , far , far in the background

Opie Macleod gave me an assignment just about the time is was considering the same for a while , at first i felt kicked out of the nest. Kind of , “Here are your 5 practises , twas nice having you here , now GTF out there see ya next year” lol But then i felt this enormous sense of relief and validation of something i knew for a long time coming.

Off course i had to tell my other Mentor  Wes of this as i was smack at the end of an apprenticeship with him and me sodding off for a year was not exactly in the planning , but …he agreed with me , a year of contemplation, distance and working in the background , thus having more time to study and building my Empire of Service sounded just fine to him. Confirming that all was on the right track.

So , have i stopped being a Jedi? Hell No

Are we still Friends ? Hell Yeah , unless i was just a piece of your Jedi puzzle , then Hell No , because i want Friends in my life …not website puppets and puppet masters…


Life lessons , love lessons

20 mrt

Life lessons
I dont regret trying to make your dreams come true , since we started talking last year i really felt i was getting close to you. We talked about your limitations ,fears and regrets and decided to help eachother , my heart needed healing and our talks helped so much , i am truly free now. Falling in love was not the plan and maybe never should have happened but it did and we were happy. For months we were experts in hiding our feelings for eachother.
We worked together on our website , we grew , we flourished and i saw a light in you that made me love you so much. I dont regret a damn thing. People warned me your are ill , people warned me i would get hurt. But i saw a light in you and you saw a light in me and we set eachother on fire. What i did not know was that you are so ill that we could never be together , i cannot move to the States as long as my mother lives and i have a busy life here with many responsibilities. Your mental illness was never a problem for me , i would have gladly loved you for the rest of my life and i would have settled for seeing you once a year for a few weeks , but that is just utterly selfish of me because that would fit perfectly in my busy life that already is fullfilled with being of service and a lot of people depending on me. I would have been happy with my Jedi on the side that i could talk to and be with for a few weeks a year.
Now one can argue why i did not want the whole package , and one can doubt my love , but that would be underestimating my love , and i am not having it. I love you , and i will for a long time still. And then you decided to destroy your feelings for me and the website we did together , that was selfish of you , but i understand , i understand your need to start all over again, My worry is , how many times do you want to do that? Off course i am sad and angry who would not be , not only you and i put a lot of love into that website and you decided for all of us that it ended. But love rules my heart now and i can feel a light coming through the cracks of my broken heart that can finally set me free , and i will forever be grateful for that.

May the Force be with you ❤

Art of War

9 dec

Reading this book confronts me with a lot of mistakes i have made , i think everybody has made , as i was listening to the audiobook i saw that there was a video that explained the book from a bussinessmans point of view. Although i dont agree with everything he says i found it very valuable and so i spend today with making meditation scripts , making my criminology homework , finishing listening to Art of War and listening to the explanation video , i also updated my accountability log and i did  my excersises. I have spent most of my day behind the laptop but it was a very fruitfull day. A day that will bring me closer to my goal. Its as if my determination to follow my bliss and seek my direction and purpose is paying off. How i try to focus and be the best i can be. And the calm that brings ..bliss in itself ! Discipline brings calm and makes me feel prepared , not longer afraid to face conflict but not seeking it. Time to meditate to wind down 😉

May the Force be with you ❤

Stoic week day 7

22 okt

Glad and cheerful, let us say, as we go to our rest: ‘I have finished living; I have run the course that fortune set for me’. If God gives us another day, let us receive it with joy. The happiest person, who owns himself more fully, is the one who waits for the next day without anxiety. Anyone who can say, ‘I have had my life’ rises with a bonus, receiving one more day. – Seneca, Letters, 12.9.


1.Situation. What is the upsetting situation that you’re imagining?

That my little stray cat gets run over by a car , a very likely situation.

2.Emotions. How does it make you feel when you picture it as if it’s happening right now? How strong is the feeling (0-100%)?

I walk out of the door and see him lying in the street , he is still a little alive and i cry my eyes out as i call animal ambulance. He dies in my arms , i cry. When i picture this i get really upset and start crying , the feeling is about 80%

3.Duration. How long (in minutes) did you manage to sit with it and patiently expose yourself to the event in your imagination?

I managed to repeat the scenario for about 5 minutes in my head and changed the script a few times.

4.Consequence. How strong was the upsetting feeling at the end (0-100%)? What else did you feel or experience by the end?

The feeling was about 30% and i also noticed a sense of peace coming over me , acceptance.

5.Analysis. Has your perspective changed on the upsetting event? Is it really as awful as you imagined? How could you potentially cope if it did happen? What’s under your control in this situation and what isn’t?

My perspective on the upsetting event and upsetting events have changed indeed, to just keep breathing and letting the emotions overwhelm me while it’s not really actually happening is a good training for when these things actually happen in real life

Yes it was really really awful , even just in my imagination , i think a beautiful little furball being run over by a car just seems unnecessarily cruel.  I would cope if it happened , i would make sure he got taken care of real well.

Under my control would be to keep the cat inside and cut him of his hunting territory , i have already decided that i will not do that. So that is not an option. There is really very little under my control in this situation , so i accept it as a possible scenario.

This morning when the cat was meowing in the back yard , i felt this sense of happiness and greeted him with the happy feeling in my heart that today was a good day to spoil him , but then , every day is a good day to love the ones you love. It has made me realise that life is too short for fear of losing people. I will make the best of the time we have together


If anything this course has taught me that i cannot change what i cannot change , that i should put effort in virtues and not spend time on worries , revenge , hate in general.

But i already knew that. For a few months now i have been destroying my feelings over certain things , because as a Jedi i cannot live my life with regrets , unanswered love and other bullshit that distracts me from my duties. I am glad i did this course , it has made aware that i am on the good path , the Jedi path.


I also painfully realised loving someone is worth the pain , being in love with someone is not. It’s just a craving like anything else. So the love is still there , but the rest ? No thanks aint got time for complicated and unreachable love.  Got Jedi stuff to do.

Waking up this morning was good , although i had a hangover , i look at my little stray cat and feel happiness with a hint of sadness , i might never be the Vulcan that i aspire to be , and might never be the Jedi that i crave to be so badly. But i will be grateful and i will live my life to the fullest. I will dedicate my life to being of service and i will read more …promise loll, even philosophy 😛


May the Force be with you ❤


Self Renewal : A course in Stoicism day 6

21 okt

Stoic week day 5


The works of the gods are full of providence, and the works of fortune are not separate from nature or the interweaving and intertwining of the things governed by providence. Everything flows from there. Further factors are necessity and the benefit of the whole universe, of which you are a part. What is brought by the nature of the whole and what maintains that nature is good for each part of nature. Just as the changes in the elements maintain the universe so too do the changes in the compounds. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 2.3


The ‘View from Above’ is a guided visualisation that is aimed at instilling a sense of the ‘bigger picture’, and of understanding your role within nature as a whole. You can practise a visualisation of the ‘View from Above’ by downloading the audio recording provided.

When i did the meditation i had the strange sensation of floating above myself and as i went deeper into the meditation i realised i was letting go , it was a wonderful sensation. Seeing myself as a valuable part of the Universe and at the same time just be a mini glitch in time , how we worry about our lives and about the things we cannot change. I was pleasantly surprised with Donalds voice and i love his accent.


What i learned is that i am too earthbound , to attached to my pain , grief and what has happened in my life , i learned that we all have the same struggles to a point and that we are interconnected with the discipline of nature. How nature needs to be respected and is an essential part of being healthy of mind. I also learned that with all my imperfections i still am able to sit still and love and enjoy being me. After the meditation i felt more whole , i did not feel so apart of ..well the rest. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness i have experienced at a few occasions in my life can now be explained as i disconnected myself , no one did that to me , it was me.


For the compassion side , i had a difficult conversation with someone i have known for 2 years now , the person sucks the living daylight out of people and knows to turn and twist everything you say into you being selfish. I see that often with severely abused people , you try to help them , try to be there for them , but somewhere in their head they don’t heal and keep seeking it outside themselves. When i was abused i did the same, i lashed out , became erratic , went ballistic and finally had to conclude that it was not worth it.I am worth it to have a good life , a life of a Jedi , where i can be of service and help others that are stuck. My conclusion broke my heart a little , i cannot be there for her if she after 2 years cannot be there for herself , i am too limited , i am not around for her , i live too far away and i am a schmuck online. I am of great value to a lot of people in my real life and i even have good relationships online. But counselling someone online is not what i am good at , i expect people to Jedi up and get their asses going and to learn to appreciate what they have. In this Stoic week i not only learn what is wonderful about me and others , and i am beginning to see where my limitations are. What she says about me does not hurt me anymore , i feel for her and i feel helpless that i cannot help but i also have to cultivate some kind of indifference to things i cannot change , and believe me , i am getting there.


Floating over my myself i noticed aswell that my body posture is very closed , my favourite meditation position is like an embryo in the womb loll , i will find another posture that is more with a straight back and open lungs , i noticed today that my breathing is not right , so i learned a lot today. So it was a good day 😉


May the Force be with you ❤